Sadness in November

I’ve decided to write a blog entry today that is unlike what I would generally do.  Normally, I pass on wisdom from spirit that is uplifting.  Typically, I write something reflecting on a difficult time (for me or another) but basking in the afterglow of positivity.

Today, I am going to write while in the midst.  That is not to say this will not be uplifting.  In fact, I hope I feel better by the time I finish than I do now.

But for now, I feel sad.  I feel less than hopeful.  I feel like I am grieving.

Has someone I love died? No.  Have I lost a relationship that was dear to me?  Not recently.  Have I failed within some endeavor? Ah... 

I can’t really answer that last question concretely.  It is not like a ball game where the clock strikes 0:00 and the winner and loser are chosen.  I can’t read the clock to know how much time is left.  I can’t even see the score.  Do I think I’m winning right now?  Ah...

Some number of years ago, I made a proclamation.  I don’t necessarily remember making it, but I must have.  With my intention, I somehow chose to stop playing out my issues with drama.  In retrospect, it would have been a better decision to stop the issues, but instead, I merely stopped the drama.  So now, I feel happy and I feel sad, uplifted or depressed, all for no apparent reason.  Now, truth be told, dramas still do occur, but not like they used to.  I used to be able to gather up the friends and tell them how I was hurt, or stolen from, the nerve of this one or that one, the physical pain that came from this accident or that one.

Now, it’s just feelings.  I get stabbed in the back, but it is only a pain that manifests out of nowhere.  I mourn the loss of something I never had.  I lost that game I so wanted to win, but I’m not even playing.

Instead, what has happened in my life is that it has become a wall of mirrors.  Just about every person who has sought my services, be it a reading, energy work, or just inspiration, brings to me something I have.  For some, it is a pain deep in their heart.  For others, it is a desire to manifest something that is ‘evasive’.  Maybe it is a ‘negative’ relationship dynamic or a self-defeating habit.  If I don’t find it with each one, it just means I didn’t look enough.

So recently, a woman wrote to me regarding the last blog.  She had re-read the channeled message and fell back into a profound sadness that was present in her life.  Unlike me, she had a good reason.

At the time her email came through, I was just about to head out the door.  The plea was so genuine and so heart-felt that I just had to respond right then and there, but I didn’t have much time.  So I turned it over to spirit and typed.  This is what came out:

Our dear sweet _____. At this moment, your service to source is a COMPLETE success. You ARE moving into a greater version of yourself. You ARE moving into greater authenticity. You ARE within your purpose. Sadness is not an indication of failure. Your sadness is authentic. Your desires are authentic. Your creations are authentic. You are gaining clarity of your desires. You are allowing and choosing and walking more awake than before. As you see more clearly, you will see that which was created by your true self but also that which was created by a believed version of yourself. That is the path, that is the process. There is no imperfection within imperfection.

As the sadness is expressed, the believed falsities will loosen and fall away. All is well with this. You are not alone and you are loved. Be easy with yourself, you will come to understand and at the perfect time. It is now time to feel.

Damn mirrors.  I wasn’t even sad then.  I wasn’t even thinking I would be.  It had been a while since I sunk below the surface.  Guess I didn’t see it coming.

So, now as I sit on the other side of that message, I allow the feelings – not as well as I could – I mean, I haven’t cried yet; I feel it in my gut and just below the surface, but no water.

I sit among my dear friends, even laugh at the stories being told.  I do enjoy the company and am grateful to have them.  But does the sadness go away?  No.

It is now time to feel.

Okay, okay.  I’m not running away from the feelings, but I am not sure what they are asking me to look at, or let go of.

Once when I was profoundly sad in response to a perceived failure, I heard:

...but you know not what we have in store for you.  Your time will come.

But that was years ago now.

I will say something.  In the midst of this sadness, sometimes I take a deep breath and it feels good.  For that moment, relief.  The air almost tastes good.  I can’t fake it or make it, it just happens on its own, right there in the middle, and unexpected.

So, if there are any of you that feel less than joyful right now, you are not alone... meaning simply on the mundane level, there are others who feel the same.  Of course, we are not alone in the profound meaning, but that’s hard to feel sometimes.

Here’s to shedding a tear that has been wanting its freedom for a while now.  Let’s set it free and see what it brings.  Spirit always tells me:

It’s not bad to feel bad.

So, okay, I’ll take their word for it.  I allow the feeling as best I can and we’ll see what’s on the other side when I get there.

And hopefully you’ll be there with me
on the other side...